Things got a lot better, but I am still struggling, mostly with my own mental health issues.

I have a new job offer which might pan out with unbelievably fantastic results.  Unfortunately this requires a greater than normal degree of secrecy as I am being poached, and will still have to work with my former co-workers and boss.  I am worried about losing the fantastic support system that my old position had.

Michael got a job, later moved back in, is believably committed to changing things which he did before.

I feel like shit, and the workday is hitting me like a gale.  There are too many things to deal with, but I am tired of feeling guilty for being so silent.

Anyway, I have good reasons not to be updating my LJ or checking my personal e-mail right now, but I'm sorry to the people I have slighted.  For now I am just not ready to pick up where I left off.  I do not intend this post as a substitute for personal apologies.

i asked him to pack up and leave.  I don't know what happens next.  After some time on my own and chance to get my shit together independently, I'll be better off.  I don't know about him.

And I don't know about us.

How determined AM i to sabotage this?

I am bubbling with fury lately, apart from being off-medications, I am incredibly stressed out by some environmental factors - like my fiancee being freaking unemployed.

It is endlessly frustrating to me that he is so childish sometimes - I shouldn't get so mad, because he is still learning, and much of the responsibilities I LOATHE but effectively deal with, are things he has never had to bother with.  I have not been unemployed since before I turned 14.  When I did start working, I had to spend most of that money on family bills.  He got his first part-time job when he was 21, and the money was all gravy.  ::intense jealousy::

I have had to deal with my own gas/electric, rent, internet, phone, tuition etc for years.  And I can't say I'm good at the financial juggling, just more used to it.  I still hate it, and I generally have one big bill-paying day per month, scheduled so that nothing is late, but also so that I don't have to think about it more than that often.  Plenty of stuff is set up to auto-debit from my checking too.  So - finances suck, they are stressful, but I have LEARNED TO COPE. 

But the eternally frustrating question is:

how do I let him make mistakes and learn from them without fucking up my own finances endlessly?  Do I step in and give him ultimatums on making progress with the job search, or do I let him be, and take the serious risk of him being unemployed this fall?  (Since he is (attempting to be) in teaching it is not terribly likely that he will get a job between Sept. and May unless he's got one going in.)  My head explodes trying to run the odds.  I HATE BEING THE BITCH, but somebody has got to be responsible for this shit, or it will all go to hell.  I can't take that, but I am also botching the friendly "let me hold your hand while you learn" phase just as badly.

Just to compound that, let me point out that if he had found a job by now (or not lost the old one) then I'd likely be on his health insurance, and therefore a whole lot more stable, and THAT WAS THE PLAN WE AGREED ON.

he let me down, and I'm falling apart.

So to bring it back to the opening line, I keep thinking about ending this, simply because I am too much of a mess to handle someone who doesn't have their own shit together.  HOW CRUEL IS THAT?  It's a horrible idea, but it comes into my head more and more often.  I could afford my own healthcare if I wasn't supporting him through unemployment.  And maybe that makes me a selfish bitch, but sometimes survival requires that.  Also, we've had a bajillion fights where he acknowledges that he hasn't really worked at  finding a job at all for weeks at a time, because you know, it's so harrrrd and discourrraging.   He really doesn't know what I am going through without medication right now, and he will probably never really get it... he's seen me before and after hospitalizations, and yet he doesn't see what's coming down the pipeline.  Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Ok, big meeting this morning, color me intimidated.

I've got a good bit done towards the deadline, but it's coming down really fast.

Went contra dancing last night, which was fun. There was a huge group of kids who randomly showed up as part of a camp or something. None of them had done it before, so the high saturation of n00bs meant we only really did simple dances. The band was paltry, but talented. Definitely a good time, but no where near as awesome as the Glen Echo dance. Made me want to go Friday something fierce. My little sister said she had a lot of fun, so that's one more convert for the club. =)

I feel pretty okay today, and that's great.

So what if my standards are low? =P

I made some progress at work, not feeling so incompetent. (Still entertaining thoughts about whether or not I can hold this sucker down for a whole year, but ONE DAY AT A TIME is all anyone can handle.) I was helping Michael look at job listings, and wondered all over again if I could be a teacher. Interesting to think about, maybe... with my degree it's a pretty good fallback position. I love my field but hate my industry. :\

OH MAN, i was so pissed with him, though. Turns out he should have heard back on an application some weeks ago, but didn't notice, because he always procrastinates everything. He doesn't even admit to it, just does it silently. Then when I remember, and ask about it, it's a fight. I managed to hold most of it in, so most of today I felt sick. Why is that I don't feel I'm expressing myself unless I'm acting out? That merits more thought.

I haven't really gone out in weeks. I feel just as tired now as I did when I was out almost every night.

Sooo tired of complaining about health care.

I feel like I'm not cut out for my own damn life.

Level 1
(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
(x) done drugs
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) drank alcohol
SO FAR: 5

Level 2
(x) been in love
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
SO FAR: 8

Level 3
( ) snuck out of a parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone out on a blind date
SO FAR: 9

Level 4
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher that's a long list
(x) skipped school though my parents always knew about it
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die
SO FAR : 13

Level 5
( ) had/have a crush on one of ur MYSPACE friends
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking
SO FAR: 15

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
() been skiing
( ) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
(x) been mosh pitting
SO FAR: 17

Level 7
() been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken pain killers
( ) put an insect in your mouth
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
SO FAR: 20

Level 8
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
SO FAR: 25

Level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
SO FAR: 30

Level 10
( ) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
SO FAR: 32

Level 11
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed/vandalized
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer
SO FAR: 34

Level 12
(x) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school
(x) had detention only like, every week. i was the only pathetic nerd in detention.
(x) been in a car/motorcycle accident
SO FAR: 38

Level 13
( ) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 41

Level 14
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime does a murder count? haha
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
SO FAR: 45

Level 15
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country..
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like you were dying
SO FAR: 49

Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang
(x) paid for a meal
SO FAR: 54

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) kissed in the rain
SO FAR: 59

Level 18
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care/cared about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach fucking kickass. i need to do this again, asap
SO FAR: 63

Level 19
( ) crashed a party
( ) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading but i never got the hang of it
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
SO FAR: 65

Level 20
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed "penis"
(x) ate dog food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
SO FAR: 68

Level 21
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have/had a little black dress
( ) had sex in the woods beside trees
( ) had sex in a park
(x) had sex in a car
SO FAR: 71


Level 22
(x) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) sat on a roof top
SO FAR: 74

Level 23
( ) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
SO FAR: 76

Level 24
(x) didnt take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had/been in a tree house
( ) has been/ is scared to watch scary movies
SO FAR: 79

Level 25
( ) believed/belive in ghosts
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) gone streaking
( ) been in jail
SO FAR: 79

Level 26
(x) played chicken we used to do it on our bikes
( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused i'm takin this quiz, right?
SO FAR: 83

Level 27
( ) caught a fish then ate it caught yes, ate no.
(x) made a porn video but it was bad and i deleted it the next day
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried used to do it all the time, it's been awhile though.
( ) cried so hard you laughed
SO FAR: 86

Level 28
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool
(x) been kicked out of your house sort of but really i moved out and was told to not even THINK of coming back
SO FAR: 93

Level 30
(x) Rode a roller coaster
( ) went scuba-diving/snorkeling
( ) had a cavity
(x) black-mailed someone i am counting petty things i did to my sisters when we were little
( ) been black mailed but my little sis could never blackmail me because she can't keep even her own secrets
SO FAR: 95

Level 31
(x) been used
(x) fell going up the stairs
( ) licked a cat
(x) bitten someone
SCORE: 98

Sort of.

Today is the 41st anniversary of Loving Day. I think it would be boss to have my wedding on the 42nd. Only problem is, it'll be a friday, so I'll probably have it on the 13th, just for weekendfulness.  That's still cool.    I will say something about how ludicrous it is that they ever had such a law, and I look forward to the day when all my gay friends can say the same thing as they wed their life partners.  I will say something about how fantastically my parents' wedding worked out, and how hard they had to fight to be accepted.  Nothing I will have to go through will be as bad or as scary because of people like them.

So one year from today.  I am really excited.  My plan is for a big family-reunion-style gathering.   I don't care about fancy, but it should be big.  I want everyone I care about to be there and have a shit-ton of fun.  Maybe at Gunpowder Falls State Park.  A better venue would allow dogs (and booze?) I should look into that.

okay, feeling a little better. for now, anyway. Talked to some peeps, and funny how even an inane conversation reminds me that other REAL people exist and life doesn't suck so hard. Or maybe it does, but it sucks with company, rather than alone. (and people who i am terrified of, i.e. everyone at work, don't count as "real people," but rather, "obstacles." Don't ask me why.)

I am having one of those days where the SLIGHTEST fucking comment from anyone on anything feels like the most biting criticism possible. Also known as a "alright, already, if you want me to just kill myself why didn't you say so?" day.

Of course being in this mood means I've been pulled up at work and then teased at lunch, because I can never successfully hide on days like this. It's pretty safe to say that they haven't a clue that anything they said or did hurt me, because

a) I'm sure nothing said was meant maliciously, even if it did hurt like hell
b) I am not so far gone as to be unable to fake sanity, at least at work
c) on a good day I wouldn't have even noticed these events, much less locked my office door and cried about them (+ whiny post.)

I am slipping big-time.

DAMN, I said I'd give up wangst for a while. It's not been long enough. Shouldn't KNOWING you're overreacting make it easier to STOP?

Honestly, it is difficult to vent about feeling like crap when your only problem is FEELING LIKE CRAP. Everybody wants a good reason. Nobody wants to believe me, but my brain is just fucking broken. Funny how as my need for the medication becomes exponentially more obvious, my desire to do anything about it fades just as sharply. I have just recently acquired a good job which pays well, to say nothing of some budding personal relationships and my great fiancee. My life is pretty fantastic and I want to die. At least if things sucked OTHER than my mood no one would ask me to justify being in hell. Don't ask me if I want to talk about it, there's NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. That's half the problem right there.

I wonder if my tendency to add havoc to my own life (pick fights, etc) when I'm feeling this way is just me subconsciously trying to make this ugliness sensical. At least if my friends aren't talking to me I have a good reason to cry.

There sure are a lot of people who post to CL looking for weed. I find that ridiculously strange.

So I whined about my broken Saturday plans to this very new friend of mine who I have met in person exactly one time. The plans were with the awesome girl I mentioned earlier. She (yeah, I know you're reading this! ::waves::) had to break plans with me to meet a prior emotional commitment, which I respect, but I was still sad.

TANGENT: If my Boy asked me to break plans with any of my friends he should know I would do it, since he is, and will remain, my second emotional priority. (of course I would expect him not to abuse this privilege, or he would be messing with my first emotional priority, which is ME.)

Of course it sounds vaguely asinine to say that I actually can rank who I care about most, etc, but it is the truth that I have a deeper commitment to some people than others, and that is healthy and reasonable. In ideal situations, there would not be conflicts between these commitments, but this world ain't perfect.

I am newly navigating many of the pitfalls of being poly, and so I have given this issue a lot of thought, though it applies to any set of relationships, romantic, familial, or otherwise.

BACK TO THE POINT:
New acquaintance said that /he/ "wouldn't waste time on /her/," because she "obviously wasn't serious about spending time with you, or she wouldn't have canceled for someone else."

I said that was much too harsh.

Anyway, guess who just canceled tonight's plans on me? Hah! Details very sketchy.
I do like him, but he is totally not ready for this jelly.

I finally got my badge for work today, after several MONTHS of waiting in line at the visitor's office every day.

Of course I took the time to apply some makeup, because I have to show this badge far more often than a driver's license, and I wanted it not to suck.

IT TOTALLY SUCKS. NO, REALLY. I look like a sleepy whore. -_-

Well, Saturday plans with a pretty girl are off, but only for now. Jury duty was a major drain, and a pain. I may be crazy, but I'll still a little disappointed that I wasn't picked. But, this bitter was washed away by the rest of my evening. Nothing but sweet.

The Boy and I made plans for dinner and a movie, which was nice. Then he surprised me on one knee with a fancy ring. That's right, I just got engaged! XD I then realized he'd managed to get us to the same movie theatre and restaurant as our very first date. How cute! It's a chinese place, so I saved both the fortune cookie fortunes and the movie ticket stubs in the ring box. :)

He said he tried very hard to be mindful of my known prejudice against diamonds, though the ring he picked has a tiny one, along with three rubies. I don't really care because it's from him. He joked that I should consider it a down payment, and then he also assured me that it cost less than he spent on the xbox. =P So there you have it: my fiancee.

hilarious conversation, imo, but I think I offended him.


( convo here )

For the record, both participants in this convo are black, in case you're one of those people who is all "omg, only WE can use that word to describe OURSELVES." Honestly, I think the phrase is pretty funny either way, if only for the shock value. (Also, both parties are self-acknowledged smart-asses.)

Maybe spending the afternoon trolling trolls has desensitized me. Okay, I'm a bad person, I freely admit it. He seems to be giving me the silent treatment now, but I don't intend to apologize unless he mans up and says that he was offended.

Oops. I kinda got dressed in the dark this morning, and unlike usual, you can /tell./

I didn't realize until i was halfway to work that in good light, this cardigan is quite obviously green (not brown) and really doesn't want anything to do with the cyan top.

Ha. Also, there is a heretofore unnoticed stain on the top, which is conveniently covered by the cardigan, and it's a little chilly. I'm opting to keep it on.

Malthus randomly does this for five minutes at a time. And no, he's not eating anything. WTF?

If I don't get to see a doctor soon I am going to lose my mind. Even more, I mean.

Phooey.

UGH.

1) stop ljing (and using other networking sites) while drunk off ass. this includes comments on other people's pages. (no i am not intoxicated right now.)

2) stop being unhealthy.

I graduated.  B.A. in Linguistics, B.S. in Computer Science.

I got a job.  Junior researcher in Computational Linguistics.  EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.  Everything is great except the commute, (Central Bmore to SE DC).  Considering some of the other places I looked at working, I think I made the right choice.  Several months until a decision about relocating can be made.

Today is day 6.

Stuff is good.

Halloween was a bit of a let down.  I was too busy with midterms to really prepare much of anything, my house was a mess, but I had people over anyway.  There was a trickle of kids to the door, too many of whom didn't have costumes.  Is it so much to ask that you freakin dress up if you expect strangers to give you stuff?  Needless to say, I didn't give them any.  My friend Alice was shocked, but I pointed out to her that I had backup right there on the porch with me - Jack and Harvey.

Jack and Harvey, my two pups were dressed up (costumes bought at 5 below, too cute I couldn't resist), and I threw together an angel costume at the last minute, complete with a pair of wings I fished out of a dumpster on campus last year.  Every May when the kids in the dorms move out, they throw out ridiculous amounts of perfectly good stuff.  Lately, though, my standards have risen enough that most of it doesn't appeal to me anymore.  These days, I already have enough lamps, fans, sofas, etc, that were dumpster-rescued, and though occasionally a good upgrade appears on the street corner, it's less and less likely.  Plus, now that Mike is out of school and working, occasionally we actually buy things. XD

I am having a pretty blah month.  Birthday coming up, but I probably won't be any more planful for that than for Halloween.  There's a long list of people I want to call and talk to, but the effort feels overwhelming.

I need to find a new doctor, going to Vienna just won't cut it anymore.  But I'm at a turning point, and I'm scared to start shrink-roulette all over again.  Fuck.

Therapy is so much work.  At the same time, it always feels sort of insulting when someone says something to you like "you can get better."  It feels like they're invalidating how *difficult* it is.  My mind has a way of clinging to bad feelings and patterns, and rebelling at the notion of anything different.

I can get better, and listening to those who want to help me does not invalidate my pain.  I do not need anyone to believe in my pain; it is real to me.  Trusting in someone else's perspective when I know mine is warped by pain is a *choice.*  I can get better.

Maybe I'll host a poker night on my birthday.