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10 June 2008 @ 04:00 pm
i will regret making this post but i'm doing it anyway.  
I am having one of those days where the SLIGHTEST fucking comment from anyone on anything feels like the most biting criticism possible. Also known as a "alright, already, if you want me to just kill myself why didn't you say so?" day.

Of course being in this mood means I've been pulled up at work and then teased at lunch, because I can never successfully hide on days like this. It's pretty safe to say that they haven't a clue that anything they said or did hurt me, because

a) I'm sure nothing said was meant maliciously, even if it did hurt like hell
b) I am not so far gone as to be unable to fake sanity, at least at work
c) on a good day I wouldn't have even noticed these events, much less locked my office door and cried about them (+ whiny post.)

I am slipping big-time.

DAMN, I said I'd give up wangst for a while. It's not been long enough. Shouldn't KNOWING you're overreacting make it easier to STOP?

Honestly, it is difficult to vent about feeling like crap when your only problem is FEELING LIKE CRAP. Everybody wants a good reason. Nobody wants to believe me, but my brain is just fucking broken. Funny how as my need for the medication becomes exponentially more obvious, my desire to do anything about it fades just as sharply. I have just recently acquired a good job which pays well, to say nothing of some budding personal relationships and my great fiancee. My life is pretty fantastic and I want to die. At least if things sucked OTHER than my mood no one would ask me to justify being in hell. Don't ask me if I want to talk about it, there's NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. That's half the problem right there.

I wonder if my tendency to add havoc to my own life (pick fights, etc) when I'm feeling this way is just me subconsciously trying to make this ugliness sensical. At least if my friends aren't talking to me I have a good reason to cry.
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lilylivered on June 11th, 2008 03:20 am (UTC)
You know something?

I think you're awesome. *hugs*