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06 August 2008 @ 03:31 pm
How determined AM i to sabotage this?

I am bubbling with fury lately, apart from being off-medications, I am incredibly stressed out by some environmental factors - like my fiancee being freaking unemployed.

It is endlessly frustrating to me that he is so childish sometimes - I shouldn't get so mad, because he is still learning, and much of the responsibilities I LOATHE but effectively deal with, are things he has never had to bother with.  I have not been unemployed since before I turned 14.  When I did start working, I had to spend most of that money on family bills.  He got his first part-time job when he was 21, and the money was all gravy.  ::intense jealousy::

I have had to deal with my own gas/electric, rent, internet, phone, tuition etc for years.  And I can't say I'm good at the financial juggling, just more used to it.  I still hate it, and I generally have one big bill-paying day per month, scheduled so that nothing is late, but also so that I don't have to think about it more than that often.  Plenty of stuff is set up to auto-debit from my checking too.  So - finances suck, they are stressful, but I have LEARNED TO COPE. 

But the eternally frustrating question is:

how do I let him make mistakes and learn from them without fucking up my own finances endlessly?  Do I step in and give him ultimatums on making progress with the job search, or do I let him be, and take the serious risk of him being unemployed this fall?  (Since he is (attempting to be) in teaching it is not terribly likely that he will get a job between Sept. and May unless he's got one going in.)  My head explodes trying to run the odds.  I HATE BEING THE BITCH, but somebody has got to be responsible for this shit, or it will all go to hell.  I can't take that, but I am also botching the friendly "let me hold your hand while you learn" phase just as badly.

Just to compound that, let me point out that if he had found a job by now (or not lost the old one) then I'd likely be on his health insurance, and therefore a whole lot more stable, and THAT WAS THE PLAN WE AGREED ON.

he let me down, and I'm falling apart.

So to bring it back to the opening line, I keep thinking about ending this, simply because I am too much of a mess to handle someone who doesn't have their own shit together.  HOW CRUEL IS THAT?  It's a horrible idea, but it comes into my head more and more often.  I could afford my own healthcare if I wasn't supporting him through unemployment.  And maybe that makes me a selfish bitch, but sometimes survival requires that.  Also, we've had a bajillion fights where he acknowledges that he hasn't really worked at  finding a job at all for weeks at a time, because you know, it's so harrrrd and discourrraging.   He really doesn't know what I am going through without medication right now, and he will probably never really get it... he's seen me before and after hospitalizations, and yet he doesn't see what's coming down the pipeline.  Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Current Mood: stressedheadasploding
nacho_cheese on August 6th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
Has he made conscious efforts to get a job? Is getting a job his current full-time job? If not to either, then he has some MAJOR issues that he needs to work out, because his unemployment isn't "gravy;" it's giving him time to figure it out and shape up.

That all being said, I recommend that he looks into temp agencies. They literally saved my butt after I graduated and couldn't get a job for weeks (which is bad, as I've got tons of bills to pay, too), and they will likely save his. If anything, working a temp job may encourage him to keep looking for a permanent one, as no one likes temp work. :) And he'll be bringing actual money in!

I know the feeling. I've worked since I turned 11, starting with babysitting and continuing where I am today. 12 years of financial independence (and 5 years of full independence) is enough to make you both despise adulthood and realize its kinks long before anyone else. Matt's also in the same position as your fiancee: worked jobs only for gravy, has his mom taking care of most other things, is being paid to attend grad school. I'm jealous, too, but I know he has a work ethic and wants to become more independent. Your fiancee? He's gotta get himself straight. He's certainly old enough, and this isn't that hard.

Anyway... sorry for my own rant. But I really, REALLY hope this helps. Maybe take him off your insurance as extra incentive? He won't be getting added perks from you until he learns to support his end of the deal first.
lilylivered on August 7th, 2008 01:31 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm so sorry, Rachael. I wish I knew what to say. I hope that this does not come to an ugly end for you. I'm thinking of you.